ABITHAD - Another Blithering Idiot - Thinks He's A Doctor.
ADR - Ain't Doin' Right.
ART - Assuming Room Temperature (recently deceased).
ATSWWT - Always Thinks Something's Wrong With Them.
CTD - Circling The Drain.
DAAD - Dead As A Doornail.
DRT - Dead Right There.
FDGB - Fall Down Go Boom.
FFFF - Female, Fat, Forty and Flatulent.
FLD - Funny Looking Dad.
FLK - Funny Looking Kid.
FOS - Full Of ... Stool.
FTD - Fixing To Die.
FTF - Failure To Fly.
FTW - Friggin Train Wreck (patient with multiple problems).
GFPO - Good For Parts Only.
GGTG - Gomers Go To Ground (they fall out of bed or gurneys).
GLM - Good Looking Mum.
GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room.
GTO - Gomer Tip Over.
LOLINAD - Little Old Lady In No Acute Distress.
MFC - Measure For Coffin.
NFS - Normal For Swindon.
O2T - Oxygen Thief.
ODD&DDR - Out 'De Door and Down 'De Road.
PBBB - Pine Box By Bedside.
PIP - Pyjama Induced Paralysis.
PITA - Pain In The A**.
PJAR - Person Just Ain't Right.
SALT - Same As Last Time.
SNEFS - Sub-Normal Even For Suffolk.
SWAG - Scientific, wild-A** Guess.
TBW - Tossed By Wave.
TEETH - Tried Everything Else; Try Homeopathy.
TEON - Two Eyes One Nose.
TMB - Too Many Birthdays.
TOBAS - Take Out Back And Shoot.
TTGA - Told To Go Away.
WDWNF - Well Developed Well Nourished Female.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Funny Medical Stories
Note: As an employee of a health insurance company, I should mention that these stories were gathered from the internet and may or may not be true. If they are true, the people mentioned may or may not exist. No HIPPA-AS rules were broken, at least not by me, in the production of this page.
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
-Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio,
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths,"I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorse the patient.
-Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
-Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
-Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two! week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch." The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
- Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
-Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
-Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
-Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio,
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths,"I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorse the patient.
-Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
-Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
-Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two! week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch." The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
- Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
-Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
-Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
Strange Medical News
According to the Sydney Morning Herald, Eyal Gur, a famous Israeli plastic surgeon said that within the next year he expects his revolutionary breast-lift procedure, a.k.a. an internal bra, to be approved. The procedure only takes forty minutes long and fits a thin titanium bra-like frame with silicone cups to hold the breasts up just under the woman’s skin. The doctor claims that the procedure will be both less invasive and less expensive than modern breast lifts.
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